[Vegan Life Tips] How to navigate family gatherings
How to enjoy the holidays without losing your mind. Part 1.
The holiday season is upon us! (In the Western world).
‘Tis the season for gatherings with friends, family, and people you would otherwise never see if it weren’t for the holidays.
Welcome to this new series: How to Enjoy the Holidays Without Losing Your Mind!
In each post we’ll talk about situations you might find yourself in this holiday season, and how you can navigate them with grace, confidence, and without losing your mind.
Let’s start by talking about family.
(And yes, some of this advice might just be common sense. If you feel this way, then maybe this post isn’t for you).
Let’s get into some scenarios!
You’re given a non-vegan gift…
…like milk chocolate or a wool scarf, from a relative who:
doesn’t know you’re vegan, or
knows you’re vegan, but doesn’t know what vegan is, or
knows you’re vegan, but doesn’t respect your veganism.
Ugh. Here’s what you can do.
Situation 1: The family member doesn’t know you’re vegan.
The family member meant well! They truly didn’t know you’re vegan. Or they’re forgetful and it slipped their mind.
So what do you do? Say thank you! They care about you enough to give you a gift.
But let them know at a later time that you’re vegan. Explain to them what vegan means. This will help ensure that any future gifts to you will be vegan (it won’t guarantee it, but it will help).
Tell them later, because you’ll get them at a less emotionally charged time. They’ll be more receptive to what you’re saying. No one likes being put on the spot or being told they gave someone a bad gift.
As for the gift? Give it to a friend, or donate it.
PS: You might like this video. What to do with non-vegan gifts (my most viewed short on YouTube with 3.5 million views!)
Situation 2: The family member knows you’re vegan, but doesn’t know what vegan is.
Same advice as above. The family member meant well. Thank them in the moment, but remind them of the definition of veganism, after the fact.
Situation 3: The family member knows you’re vegan, but does not respect that you’re vegan.
This is different. The family member didn’t mean well. If they truly cared about you, they would give you a non-vegan gift.
They either gave you the gift to make themselves feel good (it’s all about them!) or to spite you for being vegan (it’s still all about them!).
Do you reciprocate with care, even if they didn’t show care towards you? Generally, yes.
Is this the first time this has happened?
If so, you could thank them in the moment. Then remind them privately and firmly that you’re vegan, and that you would appreciate if they respected your values. Be direct.
Is this NOT the first time?
If so, it could be a lost cause. It’s valid to want to clarify with your family member that you’re vegan, and that you don’t appreciate their gift.
But if they already don’t respect you, then it’s likely no use.
In this situation it might be best to just say thanks (suck it up for the sake of family), roll your eyes in private, and vent to someone else later.
If you do choose to speak up, you might cause a scene. Decide if you’re ready for that and if it’s a battle you’re willing to fight right in that moment. At the end of the day, it’s up to you!
Don’t assume your family is deliberately leaving you out
Maybe it feels like your family treats you like a second class citizen during the holidays. Your feelings are valid, and I’m sorry you’re experiencing this!
But remember: any action someone takes is a reflection of them, NOT a reflection of you.
If Auntie Amy is hosting Christmas dinner but hasn’t provided any vegan options, it’s (most likely) not because Auntie Amy hates you.
It’s (more likely) because Auntie Amy has been hosting Christmas dinner for the past 20 years and has her standard set of dishes that she enjoys making, that make her happy, that she is proud of.
It’s a reflection of her, not a reflection of you.
It takes time for family to adjust. It took my family years to incorporate vegan options at Christmas dinner. Give them time.
Don’t talk to your family about veganism at holiday dinner
(This might be controversial).
Holdiays are a sentimental time. Energy is high. Everyone has been waiting all year for this meal!
This is not the right time to talk about veganism. You’ll be outnumbered. You might be accused of causing a scene. This does not do any favours for you, or for the vegan movement.
Just try to laugh off any jabs, and happily eat your vegan food (which might only consist of the food you prepared yourself).
There will be many more times to talk about veganism. And there are other ways to subtly influence your family members to become more open towards veganism. (See the last point in this post).
(I’m a quiet, positive vegan activist, for the record. Other vegans may choose family dinner as the time to talk about veganism, and that is totally fine for them. But for myself: I prefer a quieter, gentler approach. And what is this Substack if not an opportunity for me to share my thoughts?)
Never show up to a holiday meal without your own meal already made.
Too many times I’ve heard “I’ll have vegan options for you!” then get passed cream-heavy mashed potatoes.
Even if the host insists you don’t bring anything, put yourself first.
Think about what you need to feel satisfied. And bring that.
If you feel that you need potatoes and tofurkey, then prepare some potatoes and tofurkey before you head to your relative’s house.
But if you know you’ll be ok with just a vegan stuffing, then just bring that.
Think about what you need, then set about satisfying that. For yourself. Not for anyone else.
Best case scenario:
Someone wants to eat the food you made.
Worst case scenario:
You enjoy your food, deal with some vegan jabs, and enjoy the family time (to the best of your abilities).
Can’t decide what to bring? Try this:
Think about all the dishes that will be at the family dinner.
Think about how disappointed you’ll be if there are no vegan versions of them at your dinner.
Make those dishes.
Minimize your regret.
Leverage the holidays as an opportunity to showcase veganism in a positive light
The holidays are an incredible opportunity to showcase veganism in a positive light. I love making the vegan versions of my family’s favourite dishes. It’s fun for me, and it’s a way to show my family all at once that vegan food can be just as satsifying as “normal” food.
If you’d like help veganizing your family’s dishes: foodshakeapp.com can help. It’s my web app that converts recipes from non-vegan to vegan.
And once someone realizes that vegan food can be tasty, they suddenly become so much more open to the idea of veganism. And then every family meal becomes a bit easier :)
Lauraemilyk on Reddit said it well:
This is my 20th Christmas vegetarian and 10th vegan. In the beginning I had very little, something my mother made me with plain potatoes. Now, two decades later my entire family is having a plant based Christmas. Do not underestimate the power of positive change, op. Bring your own food, bring more than enough for you and share. Become the positive and sharing vegan instead of the whiny annoyed vegan that expects to be catered to. I promise it makes a world of difference.
Keep an eye out for the rest of the posts in this series!
my gosh, I love this. I've recently become a vegan together with my spouse, and contents like this help us get going happily ❤️ thank you ✨🌱